Bummed that I drank so much last night. Better than in weeks past. But, I know I didnt need it. It was just that I was bored and its a habit to keep me company. The honest truth. Sad. But fucking true. I did not get the enjoyment or relaxation out of it as I usually do.
My New Life
Really starting to think about how my new life will be without it. Really getting mentally prepared to stop paying my mortgages and turn the chapter. This is the week. Strong mental focus. Stay on task and see the positive outcome in the months ahead. Q1 in a new city. Back on the road to the top of my game. Stick to your planned outline and talking points.
The feeling of beginning to break the daily drinking cycle
The daily routine of coming home, buying a bottle, starting the evening, working, surfing, planning, drinking yourself to sleep. Getting shitty sleep. Waking up with anxiety and starting the process over. It was a cycle that I was not sure that I could ever break. EVER. Alcohol was my friend, my companion, somebody who was always there and was consistent. "He" always produced the same results..... at least until lately. Now, I am getting pissed at myself for drinking 60% of what I use to. Why ...For some reason.... I realized how fucking stupid and wasteful it has been. I hate evening writing this ... but I feel like I have wasted so much of the past 3 years. Not just with drinking, even though that was a large contributor. But, more so trying to milk an industry that was dying. I didnt like ti before and I felt like I was trying to hang on to something that I knew and produced some great years... but it was over. So, the past few years I feel like I have been just surviving and trying to figure out my next course of action. MAYBE, that was what was suppose to happen. I "haven't...knock on wood" lost everything... as I have seen others. But, it has been fucking hard. Really hard. The hardest challenge I have ever had to go through in my life. And, I am just about to enter into the toughest part. Pray and Poise. Is going to be my mantra. I will get through this will the strength of my higher powers, poise, humility and giving back during the process. I dont have cash flow now ..... but I want to help when I can. I believe this is a sign of a true, principle driven, confident focused person. These past 8 weeks have showed me mentally and physically that I can do it. I can SEE IT and FEEL IT. ... I can see a new way of life. WOW. Never thought I would be writing this 2 months ago. Honestly, this one of those things 8 weeks ago.... that I said...literally on my knees.... "if someone can show me a sign" I will listen and see and obey. Well, Dr. Sid "hopefully took the project and my boozing went down 50% in 2 months:. SO ..... WTF do you have to say for yourself now Brent. Do you believe in a higher power? OR something that has helped you now ... that couldnt help you before? Dr. Greenbeg, meds etc..... it doesnt matter. Something has changed Brent. You know it. Something has changed. You need to follow your gut .. trust your instincts ... let go and ..... oh boy .... here I go .. "and let God" . I would like to replace that word with higher for the time being. Dr. Greenberg... said your running out of excuses to drink. I agree. He also said ...you need to surrender to the process. I need to ask him .... what does that really mean? Really in detail? I will never say ... I reached my goal. This is going to be daily and weekly progress. I HOPE ... one day ... I wont have to think about not drinking and documenting my progress. But, for the now.... I need to see it and read it and re-read it. Progress in Week 8. I am in the teens! 19 ( nineteen) drinks for the week. Fuck ya. Fuck yes!
