Week 1 and week 2 were similar to the past 6-8 years. Almost every night drinking 6-9 drinks. Waking up in the middle of the night, stressed w/ anxiety everyday, short tempered, plugging thru the day to get to my personal vacation at night from 6to10pm.
The Thought of Not Drinking at Night.... are you kidding me?
When I first started this journey, I thought ... wouldnt it be great to one day be able to imagine my life without coming home and drinking? Going to bed sober, reading in bed, not be totally stressed during the day. I honestly thought that it was borderline impossible for me. Due to the fact that this habit had been going on for years..... say 7-8 years.
I have tried to stop in the past. A month here, a week or so there. But, nothing consistent. I did spend a stint at Sierra Tucson 3 years ago. It took them 28 days and 40K of my money to have them tell me that I needed to live full and active life. Ummm... okay. Can yo give me 15k back please .... I knew that. ST did not stick as well. Met some great people. Some famous people. They crack me up. When you get right down to it .... their just like you and me. And, they know it! So insecure. It was interesting to watch these "so called celebs' talk about their problems. We are all the same. Period.
Time in Rehab and The Power of the Group
Looking back at my time at Sierra Tucson - I went for my family and not for myself. I left there thinking ... I abuse alcohol. I drink the wrong amounts, for the wrong reasons at the wrong times.... but I am not an alcoholic. Never said to them at ST. That was their big goal during group.... "is he going to finally admit it today to the group".... umm no. I am not.
I came out of ST equipped with some tools to cope and a better understanding of addiction and how it affects people and their loved ones. That was very powerful. Powerful, raw, interaction between family members, counselors, strangers.... it was all raw emotion fueled by years of pent up thoughts and feelings. ST's counselors were amazing at drawing it out of you, bringing those raw emotions to the surface; some of which were core to your addiction; then making you see them; and most importantly providing a safe place for you to let out and share those raw emotions to the members of your "process group". Your group was your family. A family that only knew first names.
I can recall each and every one of them... and their stories. Those process groups were the most powerful group interactions I have ever witnessed. I remember just sitting there and listening to a husband explain in detail how she has let her children down, her drinking lead her to isolation and the kids after time accepted that Mom was just not going to be around. She was going to be upstairs in her room drinking. Watching the look on the Mother face as she was confronted by he daughter. The anger that came from her daughter, the look in her eyes. The sadness of all the years gone by where she missed her "old Mom". Crying and asking for her back. Pleading with her to be there for her grandchildren. Whoa. Listening to the words hang out there .... and then settle on the Mothers shoulders. Everyone was just crying. Then everyone had to comment on what you "saw, heard, felt" during the family interaction.... so amazing. The power of the group. Never believed in it.. actually steered clear of group stuff... until that moment. And ST was filled with moment after moment of these types of powerful, raw and incredibly special moments.
They always said ..... "you don't have to hit bottom to stop drinking.... you can choose which floor you want to get off on". OR ... everyones bottom is different. I am not a big AA person and the thought of going to a meeting everyday ... Then admitting I was powerless over something, that my life had become unmanageable... all of it did not sit well with me.
I never made it past the 1st step at Sierra Tucson. Which is: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. I wasnt and it hadnt'.
Modern Meds vs. AA ( or in combo....at some future date )
I wanted a more pragmatic approach to my drinking. Lets think this through logically. ..... There must be a drug out there that will stop/reduce the effects of alcohol. Or something that could relax me at night without having to pour a glass of vodka. Right? So I thought. My thought was - with all the advances in modern medicine, there must a pharmacological component that needs to be researched.
My past shrinks and counselors had never suggested any meds before. It was always " You need to go to AA, 90 in 90, go to a meeting at night, make friends, go for coffee with them. What? WTF! No. I don't want to go to fucking coffee with them. I have things I need to do and my desire for alcohol is getting in the way of my productivity.
So, I wanted to find an alternative to the 1930s based "treatment" that has seen nothing but failed results over the decades.
TheSinclairMethod. It made sense to me. Probably in large part because I did not want to stop drinking. I wanted to reduce my drinking. That was my goal.
Talked to a few different Dr's and asked them their thoughts on TheSinclairMethod and the use of Naltraxone.
So, I could continue to drink, take Naltraxone along with some other meds and watch the amount of drinks consumed each day be reduced. Sweet... I was in, Their basic premise is that Nal is an opioid receptor antagonist which means it blocks the brain receptor for alcohol. You take the pill. Wait 30 minutes. Take a drink, you will not get the feeling of being high or buzzed. If you keep drinking and you dont get that "positive feeling of being buzzed or drunk.... after time your body will un-learn the behavior. No reward = way do it. It sounded logical. I basically trained my dog in a similar way. Lets find a doctor and give it a try.
Contacted a few doctors who specialized in addiction - both said "never heard of it... sounds like one of those programs that they sell on late night informercials." I pushed them a little but, they were part of Bill posse. AA was their program and they were not going to deviating from it. So the research continued.
Called some facilities who used Naltraxone as one of their core tools in their treatment regime, along with a person who had been through the program and had used Nal effectively to ultimately get sober. This guys story was very similar to mine. Responsible by day, handled his personal and professional responsibilities but come night time ..... its a whole different ball game. I could do more damage in an hour than most could do in an entire evening. That was sometimes scary. A long day pour yourself a 4 finger vodka..... and it would be gone in 20 minutes. Followed by another......now you were calm after the day. It took 8 drinks to calm my ass down most of the time. WTF. Now I am really freaking about my test results tomorrow. I hope, hope everything is okay.
Finding Dr. G
Finally found a vivatrol site ( the stage name for naltraxone ) and hooked up with Dr. G.
A tough, no bullshit, no chit chat, lets get down to business New Yorker. We hit it off immediately.
So here is the summary: We try several different types of meds and watch what is working and what isnt. Its stil a work in progress but.... it is progress.
I have an entire spreadsheet that I will post on the various meds I have tried, dosage amounts, times of the dosage, sleep patterns ( which have returned to normal ) anxiety levels, morning thoughts after drinking, day thoughts dealing with anxiety, masturbation sessions amounts to deal with anxiety.
The whole shootin match. The good, the bad and the ugly.
And, I am not expecting perfection anytime soon. What I AM expecting is personal progress.
So Whats Changed:
My thoughts have changed; my actions have changed; my moods have changed; my anxiety levels have come way down; I am finally sleeping through the night.... Not waking up at 2am drinking a half gallon of gatorade because I am so fucking dehydrated.
I am so thankful to be writing this post. I would have never believed that I would be sitting here after 7 weeks, drinking water and typing a blog post about my Nal & Zofran and gabapentin experiences.
Most Notable:
Is how I think about alcohol or should I say my lack of thinking about it. I was never "jones-ing" for a drink. Nor did I get really hung over. Which only added to the cycle of drinking nonsense. Felt fine in the morning, could be productive at work = NO reason to change that behavior.
I likED and still like to come home and pour a big tall one of vodka. However now, 3-4 days a week ... I dont do that. Yes, I still drink. I still do pour tall one. But not with frequency and daily quantity that I did before. A big night for me is 6 drinks... which I actually measure now with a shot glass. I was laughing the first time I actually pulled down the shot glass. I thought to myself .... wow ... your getting serious about this drinking thing.
Its little things like that ( taking note of exact quantities ) that add up.... and make me realize... this time I am thinking about it differently. Its tough to describe but I just feel something has changed. YES, the meds are playing a HUGE role in my progress. HUGE. But, I actually want to reduce... and hopefully quit. Who knows at this point if that will be possible. Maybe I can be a social drinker and moderate. I have done it in the past. So, I am not ruling it out at this time. So there. Take that:)
Some Excerpts from my spreadsheet:
I started on the meds at the end of week 2 (May 14th ). By week 3 my drinking was almsot cut in half. I tweeked the meds in the weeks ahead. I charted and continue to chart my daily progress in excel. It is such a great feeling going to bed .... and opening up the spreadsheet and typing in a 0 in the "Units Consumed" cell. Then highlighting it in yellow. Life simple little pleasure of progress.
I need to see the numbers. I need to see data and trends. Weeks 3-7 saw some fluctuations in the numbers. But, always was significantly down from my 42-45 drinks a week high.
| Weekly Summary | ||
| Total Units | Avg Daily | |
| Week 1 | 43 | 6.14 |
| Week 2 | 42 | 6.00 |
| Week 3 | 24 | 3.43 |
| Week 4 | 33 | 4.71 |
| Week 5 | 30 | 4.29 |
| Week 6 | 22 | 3.14 |
| Week 7 | 23 | 3.29 |
Last week was 23 total. And, honestly... it should have been in the teens. I have managed to string together 4 "yellow boxes" in row starting last Sunday. Fuck ya. A yellow box means 0 (zero) drinks durning the evening.
Meds effectiveness on environmental triggers
My Dr. told me to get out of the house and dont be around your triggers. I agree with him. However, I have been involved with trying to find a new job and a major project at my existing job, so working in the evening from home ( as I always have ) has been the same rountine since starting the meds. So, it is interesting to look back and gauge the effectiveness of the meds in conjunction with the "triggers in my same enviornment". The biggest and most obvious change, is again .... my desire to drink. I can look at the bottle in the freezer....all frosted and ready for some action.... and not grab it and pour one. Its fucking crazy to me. Absolutely crazy. I went out on week 4 to grab a pint of vodka.... got up in the morning and still 3/4 left. Again, another little thing. Before I would have drank the entire bottle in an evening. Thrown it in the trash and not thought anything about it the next morning.
Do I still think about vodka and cocktails - EVERYDAY.
Yes, I still think about alcohol. Sometimes daily sometimes not. Sometimes I think; I have no desire to drink tonight .. then have 4-5 drinks. That's rare... very rare but has happened a few times over the past 7 weeks.
With the meds, I have feel like the "control" and the chains of my nightly drinking routine have been loosened. Not removed... but loosened to the point that I can see other options in my life, evaluate my past drinking behavior, clearly evaluate some bad decisions and lack of motivation over the past few years and now see there is a "new way out".
My way out.
Sleeping and Praying - Two Need Additions
I am sleeping the best i have in YEARS and my drinking has been cut in half over the past 7 weeks. I am truely humbled and so thankful. I pray ( something that I never did before consistently ) I call on my family members that have past away to help me and give me strenght in my journey. Because, I know that this is the beginning of a long journey. But this time, I am looking at it in a much different way .... because I have some help with the Meds, my Dr and this forum.
I am not saying that I wil have slip ups and set backs. All I will say is ...the number of drinks consumed per day/week speak volumes. No pun intended. I am trying to find fun, excitement and a challenge in this process. And, it really help to know that you have you meds in your pocket to help you through the rough patches.
The Immediate Road Ahead
I can see my life progressing to a point someday .... without wanting or desiring alcohol. I know there will be the fog of vodka and nonsense along the way. I just need to stay focused, take the meds, maybe an evening hobby and stay active.
Lastly - My Blood Work Was Taken Today ( Results are in tomorrow supposedly )
I went in for blood work early today. I am a wreck waiting for the results. Heart, PSA, Liver.... the big ones.
Its been 18 months since my last blood test. Everything was fine 1.5 years ago. But, who knows now. I was a consistent heavy drinker. I can only pray that everything is okay. IF its not, I only have myself to blame for the destruction of my own body. I pray this is not the case. I feel like I am on the brink of some serious change in my life. Something feels different. I hope its not a bad health problem that is making me feel different.
I feel releived, excited and happy. Thank the lord I found this site to show me another treatment option to AA. Still not ruling it out at this point. But the meds, this site and my TRUE desire to reduce/stop drinking are all contributors to my progress. Cheers to everyone. If you made it to the end..... I would say pour yourself a tall one! But .... grab some water and some BAC and your favorite book ..... and go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. Lets get after it!
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